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Miscellaneous Emotional Fragments
What follows are emotional fragments I wrote down on pieces of paper over the last four years and kept in a file. They are in no particular order but are nonetheless a very profound picture into the recovery and new beginnings of the soul.
-- "I'm a high level visionary. I see things that others don't. I can put together pictures that others don't see. My perceptions and reality are opposite of what most people think is real. I like to teach. I'd like to be in front of an audience and explain reality."
-- An early prayer.
"Dear Dad in Heaven, this is a letter to write out how I am feeling right now and just to ask you about life." "I'm feeling really stressed from this week." "Where am I?" "I'm hungry." "I'm really scared of being alone." "I'm looking for friends." "What can I do with my kids?" "Play in the park." "I feel scared about having to find someplace to live."
-- If you want a relationship you have to pursue it in some way, shape or form.
-- This is the real thing. Breaking out of the rut. There is more. Divorce / Remorse / Stay the Course The chopped up consciousness. Piecemeal. Survival / Acceptance / Wilderness What do I want eventually? A reason...to be here. Finding enough space to write. Get out of the house. Go down the hill in the mornings. Basic belief system changes. Find the notes because I think I was alot more clear about some things then. It's been like some kind of bad nightmare from the day I showed up here. Rebuilding boundaries. Take the bus somewhere. Don't leave yet. Most of it is a waste of time and boredom.
-- What about reevaluating everything? Putting it all on the table. Make a list of opposites. Actions. Meditate. Be still. Answers come in stillness. Not in anxiety or obsessive questioning. Breathe / Be Still.
-- The Wilderness. Write about being all out of answers. Not knowing. I'm here now.
-- Where? Doing What? Building an empire of some kind. What happened to vision and goals?
-- Present Moment Priest. Spiritual War Now. Standing Guard. Resistance Living.
-- There are so many people struggling to have a voice and to be heard. Who can listen? Who can intelligently converse? Being able to listen and show a genuine interest in another person is rare, valuable and necessary.
-- I need to have decent conversations with friends about world affairs. I need to talk about ideas and stuff.
-- Voice. The goal of now is to get the voice out. Think. Speak out the truth of ideas.
-- The truth about divorce is that you lose a conversational friend, such as it was.
-- I'm in this stage where whatever I thought I wanted to do or be is gone. I'm out of ideas. Am I supposed to know where I am? I don't know. What about anything else? I don't know. I like to ride my bike around and just ride all over exploring new streets. I am an explorer. I'd like to be an archaeologist in Arizona because the one time I walked through the desert I found an ancient stone tool. I like to look in the dumpster for useful things. I like to paint pictures. I like to stare at the patterns in the ceiling and pickout faces.
-- Need / Woman / Sex / Companionship Getting into something because I'm lonely. After sex and emotional entanglements I would want to get out. Especially with this woman who came into store after work and buys three beers and gives me the look. The problem is that she is really over-weight and probably lonely and miserable also.
-- New. Something I've never done before: Visualize a new life. Every element. A quiet comfortable house with pictures, couch, table, lamp and dog.
-- For tonight: Write down Plans, Goals, Hopes. Dream. What do I want? Put it all on paper.
-- The progression: Calling > Catastrophic Loss > Wilderness > Dying to Self > Identity Challenged > Identity Re-Established
-- I need to start massive construction of content. Immediately. Creative Release.
-- I'm completely bored and understimulated. I need more input.
-- There is hope. Getting my own place. Get a dog. Start a business.
-- Insertion. Point of origin: Didn't come here to die. Didn't come here to waste away. Then I came here to grow and live and flourish. Water / Air / Food / Others.
-- Jesus Grief. John the Baptist. Alone. Great Compassion. Healing. Staying close to a core of pain surrendered to Jesus.
-- What would make me happy? Building a body of creativity and ideas. Fun. I need to have some fun.
-- Most people are asleep and are completely unprepared for the coming destruction.
-- I'd like to get American Eagle Outfitters stylish pants.
-- The answers will come. Remember who I was. Know who I am.
-- What about a normal, mature, decent woman to have a conversation with?
-- Spiritual Authority. Dominion. Pain is from everything that is in conflict with my destiny and calling.
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