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How To Be Divorced
A COUPLE OF RECOMMENDATIONS:
PULL YOUR EX BACK (GET YOUR EX BACK). A resource packed with wisdom and strategies that could save your relationship. AND SAVE THE MARRIAGE, EVEN IF ONLY YOU WANT TO. Lee Baucom is a marriage counselor from Kentucky and has some great material! -- Steve (I hope these resources are helpful to you).
Having healthy and strong boundaries with the Ex is an ongoing developmental process that evolves from resentment and anger to acceptance and complete letting go. Out situation is pretty bizarre. Because of life circumstance and just the way things are we live in close proximity and have, at times, the same circle of friends. Things are rough actually. Tracy (I'm going to stop using Ex and use the name "Tracy" to reference her) isn't in any kind of recovery or emotional healing process. The more I continue on my journey of singleness and wholeness the more noticeable it becomes when I interact with her. The kids live with their Mom. She, however, lives in kind of a sad world of victimization set against heroic stoicism. She is the heroic single mom working very hard to sacrifice and take care of the kids. She is "trying so very hard" to hold it all together. She doesn't have any money and is usually desperate. Quite honestly, I created a great deal of wreckage and pain in her life. But I don't know if she has ever really taken an honest look at her own personality and character. She also contributed to the demise of the marriage. It takes two.
I sort of feel sorry for the next man that gets involved with her because he is going to emotionally starve to death. It's a kind of one way deal. Your entire being, identity and income will be at Tracy's disposal to be used to further her ongoing agenda. I've been trying for years to figure out what exactly that agenda is. I've come to the conclusion that it has something to do with a very deep storyline having to do with parental admonitions and performance she internalized at a very young age. But isn't that what we all struggle with? Do you want to be chained to your parents for the rest of your life? I'm not going to get involved in a big discussion about Tracy. She is a godly woman. I wish her the best.
Not only are you deconstructing your marriage identity; you also engage in a process of reevaluating your entire life.
The bottom line is bringing all of the wreckage and pain and the process to the foot of the Cross and completely eradicating any form of resentment by the forgiveness and grace of Jesus. Tracy is a Christian sister. That is it. The goal moving forward is to leave her alone. Give her space and provide finances and help wherever possible.
Divorce necessarily creates a dual existence. There is no more working together or common financial coexistence. The money is divided. I have to finance a separate existence, provide support for the children for their basic needs. Any spiritual or emotional support I need has to be obtained through developing a new separate identity and existence in a new church, friends, social activities and life.
When we were married, through the years, I would ask Tracy to wear a particular color of nail polish that I like and find attractive. It's a reddish, wine, burgundy color. I've always found it attractive when a woman wears that. And Tracy would look good with that. There was no pressure. It was just a simple suggestion a few times. But Tracy never in fourteen years would wear that color. So in the months and years following the divorce what color nail polish do you think Tracy wears? Yep. You guessed it. The reddish, wine, burgundy color.
I sometimes wonder about what it is like for her. Is she dating? I don't think so. Why? Because she is picking up some weight. Is this a criticism? No. It's a simple observation. If she had a boyfriend she would be attempting to optimize her body. Have I dated? Not really. I know that personally I've been too consumed with staying the course and going through a process of getting comfortable with being alone and single for awhile. I do have a girlfriend in Colorado though. We talk about once a week. She is a girl (woman) who is a friend. She is a phone friend. It's probably good though because according to the Christian morality I try to live by having sex outside of marriage is not ok. If we were together I would've slept with her by now. That is the truth. It's a forced celebacy through distance.
What advice do I have for those who are divorced?
How To Win When Facing Divorce
- Hold on. It takes time and it does get better. You have to believe that or else you will lose your mind.
- Give your ex space and let go of everything.
- You have to work on yourself. Mine the internal. Sit quietly and simply hold on. It hurts like hell.
- Pay the money. Pay the support. Even if you have to eat rice and beans. Focus on the kids. Your primary relationship is the children. You are available, consistent, and alive.
- Write. Scream. Grieve. Go find some new friends. Take care of yourself.
- Take responsibility for your emotional life. Divorce is a massive, underrated spiritual wound. A band aid isn't going to fix it.
- You don't owe anyone an explanation for anything. It doesn't matter what other people think. You don't have to answer questions.
- Everything changes. The core. Whatever you though you wanted is gone. It's over. You are starting over. It truly is a catastrophic loss. All the years of work and emotional and financial effort are finished.
- You have a wonderful unique opportunity to start over in mid life. A complete redefinition to become the high-quality, adequate and whole person you know you are.
- Hold on. You will go through a dark night of the soul to the point that it dials down to where there is nothing left of yourself. All you have left is the presence of the Holy Spirit.
These are mere words. You will be misunderstood because people who haven't gone through a divorce simply cannot understand. Time heals.
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